its over

i just broke up with Cory.. lit like 3 minutes ago. sadly i did it through txt.. though yesterday i was planning to do through the phone... but txt just seemed like the way to go. it went like this

me- I dont think this is working.
corey- Whats isn't working?
This...us
How is us not working?
Im sry.. I wanted to talk to ya yesterday about it but ya didn't call me bak..
Sry but i fella sleep at like 8:30
I think we r just two different people going into diff directions.. Im looking for something more n i dont think ur in the right place to do that.
Well if thats the way u feel then im sure theres nothing i can do to change ur mind
I want you to do so much with ur life..And i do care about you.. Maybe we can try this again when the times right!
Im not sure thats a good idea so i guess this is good buy : (


i didn't know what to write bak to that so i didn't.. and for a minute i felt sad and wishes i didn't breakup wioth him... but only for a minute because it had to be done. i think i will miss the feeling of having someone then actaully him.. and thats no reason to stay with a person. so yes now im sad that i am once again alone for the holidays but i have always been in the past and have gotten through it before.. you do not need a man to make you happy. only yourself! at lest thats what ill keep telling myself!


....i have been holding this back well because i did not want judgement ... but hell who is going to.. i kiss evan!!!!! about 3 nights ago and have been in sweet thoughs ever since.. we were going to watch a movie and at first thats all i was going to do.. seeing as i was still in a relationship with Corey at the time. now before you start to judge i had already in my mind decided to dump Corey so why waste time i say. anyways back to Evan.. at the end on the movie we were snuggled together started to get a little hot and heavy. i told myself before the night starts "I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH EVAN TONIGHT" ...and i didn't!! i just gave him a bj.. but what surpiced me most was that he didn't cum because he said that he had before i had gotten there.. because he though that this wouldn't happen tonight and he didn't wanna be horny or something like that... but what goes through my mind because im crazy like this.. is why!?!? he knows i like him... people dont just come over to watch movies these days pshhh.. i still think about it too.. and still have not come up with a good answer to why he would not think i would do anything with him tonight.. if anything maybe it was the comment i made that i wouldn't cheat on Corey because that just isn't me.. but he knew i was going to end things with him.. so again i will wonder!!

...today though on Evans facebook some girl wrote this "ummmm so i'm going to be home, and i want to see you!!!! lets make this actually work perhaps?? haha ♥"

...like taking a bullet!

stupid empty cold heart..yes im talking about me

LOVE... again
..i feel kinda dumb saying this.. but he texted me yesterday....( sadly this is the only place i can say it freely without judgement, and without that questionable eye asking why did he text her and not me.) reading his text, felt good inside like a warm hug or that first bit of a fresh baked cookie... maybe out there somewhere there was hope that we will one day soon be together. i told Corey ( the new boyfriend ) that he had nothing to worry about Evan.. that we are just friends that hooked up a while back.. but sigh if only he knew if only anyone knew. the reason why this text shocked me so much with joy.. i can not really tell you... maybe because i was thinking of him.. and then there he was.. or that fact that we never really text each other ..not a lot anyway and not just to bullshit. but just his plain text of, "hows your night?" made my heart race. its odd but that's all it takes.
...the decition that i have to make im not sure how... keep Corey as the bf before or after x-mas n newyears. NOW this destion is not for the reason of getting a gift, what kinda girl would that make me... but sigh i have never had anyone for this holiday, the one holiday where you just want to hold someone close and drink hot choclate with marshmellows all night long, and maybe for once, it would be a nice change. but i do kinda want to be single for new years. after all im young and who knows maybe i could kiss evan at 12am when the ball drops. but that is a big MAYBE after all.

things with corey have been.. idk. i do like him still, and he is sweet... but man he needs to get his life together, and plus... now every time he says, "i love you".. i say "i love you too!" just because of that fact that we got into a fight about why i do not say "i love you" back when he says it. i feel worse now every time i say it though. ...i know it isn't true.. which makes it even more worse because it makes me feel that Corey knows it isn't true but does not want to say anything about it because that will get into another pointless fight. Lastly the fact that the new fuzzy feeling of meeting a new person has passed and now i'm left with that empty feeling.. the wanting of something more and better. ......the same thing in every relationship i have been in.. a month goes by and i get bored. i hate myself for that. because in each relation i have been in.. always ends the same way. I kinda wish i could just blame them for the relationship endding, it would make things so much earlier.. but sadly i know the truth.. its me.. its always been me.