its over

i just broke up with Cory.. lit like 3 minutes ago. sadly i did it through txt.. though yesterday i was planning to do through the phone... but txt just seemed like the way to go. it went like this

me- I dont think this is working.
corey- Whats isn't working?
This...us
How is us not working?
Im sry.. I wanted to talk to ya yesterday about it but ya didn't call me bak..
Sry but i fella sleep at like 8:30
I think we r just two different people going into diff directions.. Im looking for something more n i dont think ur in the right place to do that.
Well if thats the way u feel then im sure theres nothing i can do to change ur mind
I want you to do so much with ur life..And i do care about you.. Maybe we can try this again when the times right!
Im not sure thats a good idea so i guess this is good buy : (


i didn't know what to write bak to that so i didn't.. and for a minute i felt sad and wishes i didn't breakup wioth him... but only for a minute because it had to be done. i think i will miss the feeling of having someone then actaully him.. and thats no reason to stay with a person. so yes now im sad that i am once again alone for the holidays but i have always been in the past and have gotten through it before.. you do not need a man to make you happy. only yourself! at lest thats what ill keep telling myself!


....i have been holding this back well because i did not want judgement ... but hell who is going to.. i kiss evan!!!!! about 3 nights ago and have been in sweet thoughs ever since.. we were going to watch a movie and at first thats all i was going to do.. seeing as i was still in a relationship with Corey at the time. now before you start to judge i had already in my mind decided to dump Corey so why waste time i say. anyways back to Evan.. at the end on the movie we were snuggled together started to get a little hot and heavy. i told myself before the night starts "I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH EVAN TONIGHT" ...and i didn't!! i just gave him a bj.. but what surpiced me most was that he didn't cum because he said that he had before i had gotten there.. because he though that this wouldn't happen tonight and he didn't wanna be horny or something like that... but what goes through my mind because im crazy like this.. is why!?!? he knows i like him... people dont just come over to watch movies these days pshhh.. i still think about it too.. and still have not come up with a good answer to why he would not think i would do anything with him tonight.. if anything maybe it was the comment i made that i wouldn't cheat on Corey because that just isn't me.. but he knew i was going to end things with him.. so again i will wonder!!

...today though on Evans facebook some girl wrote this "ummmm so i'm going to be home, and i want to see you!!!! lets make this actually work perhaps?? haha ♥"

...like taking a bullet!

stupid empty cold heart..yes im talking about me

LOVE... again
..i feel kinda dumb saying this.. but he texted me yesterday....( sadly this is the only place i can say it freely without judgement, and without that questionable eye asking why did he text her and not me.) reading his text, felt good inside like a warm hug or that first bit of a fresh baked cookie... maybe out there somewhere there was hope that we will one day soon be together. i told Corey ( the new boyfriend ) that he had nothing to worry about Evan.. that we are just friends that hooked up a while back.. but sigh if only he knew if only anyone knew. the reason why this text shocked me so much with joy.. i can not really tell you... maybe because i was thinking of him.. and then there he was.. or that fact that we never really text each other ..not a lot anyway and not just to bullshit. but just his plain text of, "hows your night?" made my heart race. its odd but that's all it takes.
...the decition that i have to make im not sure how... keep Corey as the bf before or after x-mas n newyears. NOW this destion is not for the reason of getting a gift, what kinda girl would that make me... but sigh i have never had anyone for this holiday, the one holiday where you just want to hold someone close and drink hot choclate with marshmellows all night long, and maybe for once, it would be a nice change. but i do kinda want to be single for new years. after all im young and who knows maybe i could kiss evan at 12am when the ball drops. but that is a big MAYBE after all.

things with corey have been.. idk. i do like him still, and he is sweet... but man he needs to get his life together, and plus... now every time he says, "i love you".. i say "i love you too!" just because of that fact that we got into a fight about why i do not say "i love you" back when he says it. i feel worse now every time i say it though. ...i know it isn't true.. which makes it even more worse because it makes me feel that Corey knows it isn't true but does not want to say anything about it because that will get into another pointless fight. Lastly the fact that the new fuzzy feeling of meeting a new person has passed and now i'm left with that empty feeling.. the wanting of something more and better. ......the same thing in every relationship i have been in.. a month goes by and i get bored. i hate myself for that. because in each relation i have been in.. always ends the same way. I kinda wish i could just blame them for the relationship endding, it would make things so much earlier.. but sadly i know the truth.. its me.. its always been me.

....needs work

conundrum
11-06-08
we take two paths
yet see each other
never meant to be

yet soul mates we are
in this crazy world
of love, lust and insanity

you fool, you fool, you fool
take me in your arms
love me, love me, love me

one step forwards
two steps back
towards the future we never had

freak smiles
your worthless effort
comes to this point of end

with what remains is up to you
because i was always here
waiting and still waiting for you,
to make your final move
-----------------------------------



-----------------------------------
more poems will be added

early in the game to be dumping the ball!

Love, do you say it just to say it or do you mean it for what it truly is.

and if you do say it.. do you say it to early.. to late.. or never at all.


Things with the new boy toy have been good.. great even. givin that Corey is into drugs, not going to high school, has zero goals, and zero expectation of entering college if and any at all in his life time... yet i find myself having those fuzzy feelings you get when you first meet someone new....
at the same time when i should only be thinking of him.. the name Evan enters my brain and can not shake him. i still do not know if im in love with him or the image of him, but what i do know is the feeling that might be love is there.. and im tried of waiting for him.

the reason i bring up love is.. corey dropped the "L" bomb!!!! ... we have been dating now for .. 3 weeks. he first said it to me on the phone when i was visiting FERANDO ( a friend i met through playin halo four years ago.. a story i will deff get into later!!! ) anyway i didn't know what to say so i just said "ok bye!" well when i got home he said it again. i feel bad not saying it but i can not say it to someone i do not feel it for. its weird because i just have a hard time with someone saying "i love you" so early on in a relationship. can they mean it....?

jealous empty heart.

a once friend of mine wrote this long list online. about 'how great life is and how he is a changed man. how life is a gift and he see's this now.' as i read it, all i wanted to do was slap him across the face and say your full of shit! your fake and only saying this because the women you love dumped you because they think you are depressing and to put it blunt are waste of space. ...yet i still find myself jealous of this person. that in his life he has found love.. or whatever that feeling is. how he in his life has found love twice and sadly i know, i will never come close to finding that. ... i have always wondered how people can become depressed and in fact have depression. how in the past i would just say hey get off your ass and be happy look around... but today i was that person. i was that person that was upset and did not know why. that friends and family did not help and i just wanted to be alone and think.. think about all the things i can not do, how i wish i was smart, thinner, pretty, how alone i really am. as i sit here even now i wonder what its like to have friends.. real friends anyways.

no i do not need pills or talk to some guy as i lay on a couch. i think the only way people get through life.. and i mean really get though life is to only think of the good things. which is funny how that all works because when you do think back to all of your memories it is the bad ones that you remember best. why is it that you can never remember visiting ocean city and sitting in the sand for hours, or taking a once and a life time trip to Europe. NO you remember siting alone on a Friday night, how if you were to die in high school that would have been the only way people would have know your name. it is a sad thought.. but if i were to die tomorrow i wonder.. would i be missed.

for the record.. NO i would never kill myself!

the hug that can change the world.

work was a drag. another hostessing shift because that is the only shifts i can get these days. there's not much to do on a Thursday day seeing that only ten tables come in to eat. ;read a book, answer phones, listen to peoples stupid questions on such phone. the day was looking grim until Evan come in the door. surprised to see him and glad. he was just the thing i needed to see. he had come in for his paycheck... but i like to pretend he came in to see me. which i doubt.. but i girl can dream. each time i see Evan, I hug him. each time i say goodbye to Evan, i hug him. it does not sound like much, but i love it. any hugs for that matter really.. but when i hold HIM i feel his warmth and only hope he feels it too. with our hugs is different from most other people that i hug. with Evan, i take my hands and rub his thin back, and rest my head on his shoulder, then we rock in a circle or just to the sides. it's deep, long, endless seconds that feel longer, closed eyes that do not care who is watching. with this hug, it can change any bad day to a good one. i can not be sure the feeling but i know that it is there. the wanting of someone i know i will never have, yet still having hope that, that day will come. i said before i girl came dream, and she can.

Whos On First?

first base equals - hand holding, the first kiss, the second kiss, and a few make outs.
second base equals - some feeling around above the clothing, more make outs but with tongue.
third base equals - more feeling but under clothing, and of course oral.
the rest is history.

but how long do you wait to see if you really like the person enough to run the bases. i tend to rush into things without meaning too. take Mustang Pete, things were and still are going ok.. and i told myself that i would not do anything with him until i got that fuzzy feeling inside. but never the less... what can i say, i like sex... to put it blunt. and i do like him... just not the way i liked Kevin... or Evan for that matter. not to sound...un-romantic, but sometime you just want someone to hold you and tell you ur beauitiful in their eyes, and if you cant get it from the person you want you settle for that person that will. But i dont want to just be someones warm body at night, and thats whats its starting to feel like. though i want to say yes, this is Pete my boyfriend a part of me doesn't, because apart of me still wants that fuzzy feeling.

girls do love a fast car!

another great date with peter. yes, it helps that he has a hot car, and i feel even hotter in it. but i cant help but feel that maybe i like his car more then him. he is ever so sweet but ever so cocky too. and i know its a little shallow of me,.. but theres a height issue. he happens to be a little shorter.. which is ok.. but i tend to like them taller then even when im in heels! but never the less maybe i should give him a shot.

..i heard a song.. that if you had a sound track for all the things that happened in your life. this song would have to be in it. i wanted to cry, and i think i would have if not being in a room with two other people. i pictured myself crying in a corner with no one coming to find m e. which only made my sadder and fell more alone. of all the feelings in the world i think lonely is the worse.

Imogen Heap
Hide And Seek lyrics

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to form crop circles in the carpet, Sinking... Feeling...
Spin me 'round again and rub my eyes;
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

Hide and Seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years;
They were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

Hide and Seek
Trains and sewing machines (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears (huh) they were here first.

Mm what you say
Oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
Mm what you say
Mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
Mm what you say
Hmm that IT'S JUST-a-what we need, you decided this (we, you)
Mm what you say
Hmm what did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs (paper word cut outs)
Speak no feeling no I don't believe you (I don't buy it)
You don't care a bit you don't care a bit

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth (Hide and Seek)
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no I don't believe you (Hide and Seek)
You don't care a bit you don't care a bit

You don't care a bit (Hide and Seek)
You don't care a bit, no
You don't care a bit
Mm, no, you don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit

_______________________________________

i think i'll be ok

Keven likes Brianne and i actually think i'm ok with it. I mean sure I was mad at first.. wondering why it couldn't have been me. how i wished when i saw him he would just say i miss you. but now i look at him and do not see the boy i once liked sooo much. he is just a boy i once fell for. I sometimes wonder if he ever did find out about alan but i try not to think of it.


i'm lonely.... and i hate to say that but it's true. maybe Evans mind is right, I do not know if I could be in a relation with someone with out the relationship part. Sure plain no-stings sex is awesome but how much of it can you take without getting to attached with the other person. no, he has not actually said this. but i can see it in his eyes. and that for once this is the only time i can read his mind. All the same i can not help but want him, and go back to eating morning chocolate chip pancakes!

you bitch, you slut, you whore!

my horoscope which read to day:

Someone will act like they know everything
about a situation that you actually know
more about. Humor them.


work.
i work at a bar/resturant called the brickhouse. its nothing amazing, but it does have good food, awesome beer, and amazing people that i work with. this is my first job ever, well thats not to say i have never babysat or worked in a tennis camp, but this to me was my first actual job. i have been working there now for about a year and a half to two years. a long time i know. but today is really what i want to talk about. what happen anyways.

to start i will tell you that four days ago i was asked by the manager Jen to cover the host shift of Dawn. i agreed. but the next day i called her back and told her that i could not work because something had come up. that was on wen. today being sat i came into work the day shift to see that i was still written on to be working tonight host shift. the manager on was Mel. i told her that i could not work and did not no why i was still written to work tonight. she told me to find cover. i sucked it up a tried. there was no one. so i went up to her again and said i can not find cover but i can not work tonight, that really i was doing Jen the favor by working and did tell her 3 days ago that i could not work. she of course said well to bad you need to work then went on about how it was really her and the brickhouse that is doing me the favor about giving me another shift for money. i of course upset at this did what i do and complained about it to the other people i was working with at the time. because it was not fair. why should i still have to work, after i called 3 days earlier. Of course next thing that happens Mel comes screaming out and tells me to go home and that she is taking my next week shifts awayas well. I'm like are you kidding me! you have no right! (being as she is not the main manager. and is just in a power trip) And leave.
Sadly Jen is to blame. she being a manager should have found coverage. also my next shifts happen to be a Friday double and sat night. with the Friday being a live after five, which i really hope she can not find cover for the bitch. seeing as everyone works that Friday! everyone.


So now it brings me to here.
the choice to make.
1) quit
2) fight and hope the main manager will give me back my next weeks shifts
3) fight and probably get fired because now there is no one to cover the host shift
4) fight then quit
5) punch out a pillow
6) cry

sighhhh... 5 and 6 look best.

i know parts of it are my fault. if only i did not agree to work that day. or if it wasn't going to rain tomorrow the party would still be on that day. so many things have gone wrong in so little time.


now what to do. finding another job i could do. but working at the same place i have come to the use of being there. doing the same things, seeing the same faces. i like working there. but i somehow know my time there has come to an end. im sad, but i'll move on. i hope!

will not be catching the bouquet.

what i probably should talk about is my trip to Europe and back.. but for some reason when ever i start to type out all about my trip.. i end up having writers block. it was an amazing trip wish my only change would have been to have more people go with us. After coming home and talking all there was to say, it just isnt in me anymore to type out a whole report about it. my advise to you, is to go to Europe as well. Italy was beautiful and getting lost was the best part. if you want to do something do it, if you want something go for it. why wait. because in the end, what are you really waiting for.

back to life now.

(his name will not be said, only because of my own will not to put it in. because in the end it only hurts if i let it.)

the more i want him the more he pushes away. i hate in my mind that i still think about him. how great it would be if he just grabbed me in his arms. but what i can not figure out is why he has not yet. what is stopping him. he does not want a relationship. i have said im not looking for one. but maybe it is better. which in the end i know in my heart it will be. but for now all i want is him. his warm body next to mine between the sheets. but no. he instead makes me watch as he goes for someone else wrong for him. it makes me wonder then if he really knows how i feel.

but that is it. i must stop thinking about him. and i will. when he finally does come to me, i must turn my back. i have given him so many chances to have me. yet nothing. so now, no. he will ask me to go with him and i must say no, you had your chance. but sadly i think i will end up going with him. i hate myself for that. i can only hope it would be in a drunk state of mind. that way, in the next morning i will blame that and that will end that. it will be over and only i will remember half of it. sadly i know this will happen. not so romantic, but im not asking for a white knight. i just want that one night. it sounds bad of me to only want that one night with him, but to ask more would not be right. giving he is older and will never love me the way i love him. falling hurts especially when there no one theirs to catch you.

another day another guy.

his name is rob aka tall robbies, and perfect on paper. there is nothing wrong with rob, expect i do not know if i really like him. and worse i do not know if i m over evan 100% yet. yes, i do not think about evan a lot anymore and yes now whenever i see him i do not wish to kiss him. so in all... very good signs of getting over someone. yet, i still sometimes find myself wondering what is going on in his head, sometimes the way he wont look at me/how he does looks at me, or how he will walk past me and not say anything even though it looked like he walked out of his way to see me, or how he will laugh at the stupid things i do, the small laugh which i hated at first now have grown to love. i also wonder if i should say sometime. like are we ok? or something in those terms. but again that would lead to other pink elephants, so for now i will keep my mouth shut and wait for him to say something first...which i already know he will not. and in a way... deep in my heart it does hurt, knowing that we will never be anything but friends, or worse just people who happen to see each other at work now and then. in the car ride today he pretty much said nothing, we sat next to each other as if we were strangers forced to sit in a car we both did not want to be in. maybe he was upset about the softball game but who knows. maybe its all for the best anyways. maybe it is better that we were never anything. BUT one thing in life i hate...is always to wonder what if?!?!? and with him..with evan that will always be there.


the question that keeps going through my mind is...

would you rather be in a relationship with someone who you like but aren't sure if they like you, OR be with someone who likes you but aren't sure if you like them?

more and more this question cracks in my head. rob, would again be the the better choice. but still i wonder. someone at my job put it best, that the only reason why i wasn't sure if i liked rob was because i wasn't giving him the right chance. because i was still hangup over evan, rob just didn't fit. which in all makes a lot of sense. finally this girl said something really intelligent.

....but back to rob. he is sweet, and kind, loving, open hearted, will most definitely want a relationship, my age, drinks and smokes "weed" sometimes buuut not a lot, smart, funny, has goals, going to Stony brook college, has a plan.

so many things are going on now. my brain can not take it. i wish life was easier, and i wish things would just work out like you want them too. but then again that would make life boring!

no longer a wednesday person

sometimes i think he could love me. the way he touches my the waist when he passes by, or the things he says, that leave me gasping for air because i cant believe what he just said. but i know he will never like me the way i like him. i have come to terms with this. so then why does it still hurt that we do not have pancakes anymore on wednesdays or how on that wednesday he did not even text me to tell me he could not make it. and how he did not say that he was sorry he made me wait.
at lest i know he is not with her. or at lest thats what i keep telling myself. he talks about her, says such horrible things... but is that just a cover up, maybe he does feel something for her, maybe thats why he talks about her, because she makes him so upset. i really do not know. what i do know is i need to get laid. and for what it looks like it will not be with evan. nor do i even want it to be with evan anymore.

have you ever seen someone just sitting there. waiting. that look on there face like, "i wish someone would talk to me." my next goal, talk to that person. the best relationship you will ever have with someone is a perfect stranger. within that perfect stranger you will find the perfect person to talk to. when you meet someone for the first time, they are really meeting you. there is no reason to be fake no reason to hide anything. therefore you can tell them anything. without fear that they will tell someone you happen to know. why is it then that it becomes so easy to tell a stranger something burning on your mind but not the person you love. not the person you know. one word, fear. Fear is what stops people from being who they want to be, giving in life and in ones self. it stops you from wanting to become the person you always felt you should have been. once fear is gone, life can go on.

pink elephants

he does not want me.
i do not understand why.
and i do not understand why i feel this way.
i tell myself not to cry.
yet tears fall anyways.

we both made clear that it was not a relationship. just friends who kiss and grab each other now and then. no, we haven't had sex yet. i say yet, because yes, we have talked about having sex, often.

i hate the fact that i was lead on. and i also the fact that i really just want sex. lastly the fact that i think i started to fall for him... and now happening again just like with Kevin... he did not want me either. I keep thinking this all happened, because of this other girl at my job who i found out did in fact sleep with Evan. three different times.... with Evan though it is weird. I wouldn't care if he slept with any other girl, just not that girl i work with. for reason in which i can explain. if he did in fact sleep with other people who i dont know.. i would never have to hear about it. but with this girl,... that is all she would talk about, and to anyone. i am human, and can not help if i get jealous.. but if i see them together i might just lose it.

but i know that that is not the only reason, and i will probably never find out the real answer.

i just hate the feeling like he picked her other me. was i not prettier, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not fast enough... i just want an answer. but to the question i have not got the strength to say out load to his face. pink elephants will now hover over each of our conversions. Just like before... just like with Kevin. my fear of Evan turning into Kevin did in fact come true. but maybe it is not them.. maybe it is me. maybe i was to blame.

every wednesday the same. go to class, then meet Evan for breakfast.
but not today,
not this wednesday.
his text, quote "i gotta skip lunch 2day miss im sorry..." end quote.
i text back, quote "Coolbeans! Thinking of going home anyways...ttul" end quote.
i want to kill myself for just texting that. i should have wrote him something anything better then that. but i know i cant. the fear of driving him away is too close. why cant i just say "i really want to talk to you... i think i m falling for you, and it scares me. i know you dont feel the same way but i would rather you know then me killing myself later on in life, telling myself i should have told you."

but you always think of the best things to say..., when it's to late.

enlightenment is the best medicine

things never work out like they do in your mind. you pick out a dress, lay it on the bed and think about what is about to happen that night. you smile at yourself in the mirror and think this is going to be an amazing night. you dont mind how in real life things are all over the place, and somehow no matter what happens..it is never right. but thats the real world. and this.. this here is your world. just for that moment in time as you look at yourself in THAT dress, no less then a few minutes a day, you are fearless. you can and will be able to do anything you want.. only in thought of course. you are your own god...because you control everything your mind thinks. this
is not in any form conceited. it is the you, you always wanted to be but could not. you are that moment in time that you were able to think of that witty come back right away and not hours later as you lay your head on your pillow. you are that speech you spoke out load to the empty walls, saying the things you should have said but could not think of the words at the time.. but that is not life. and life is not a movie. it can go on with or without you. you could die tomorrow and the world would not care. it turns as you stop.



back to life.
sleep is point less now. i close my eyes only to see the blackness of my eyelids... mintues latter turning and watching the black walls around my room slowly melt..as in a horor movie. i hear the howl of the old house noise no one else can hear. the rain. the trees. the world outside my window. it has been two weeks now. sleep hours gotten= maybe 4 a night. i dont know what has caused this. worry maybe..? school? unwill drama ready to be forseen? love? well love less anyways? i keep telling myself i am buying time going to suffolk...time to find out what i want to do with my life. but what is going to happen when that time is gone. will i know. will i have learned anything. college is a waste of time. righting essays that no one will read but you and the professor. getting graded not on the topic or how empacted your essay maybe.. but on the grammer and spell errrors you have made.
goal of the day: find out what it is you like to do.
update to be continued....


back to love.
i dont understand man. i hate this game we play.. yet it is nothing like a game. we set the rules, but you cheat (meaning: not in the actually form of the "relationship cheating"). we are talking old school board games here. someone who i work with said something to me that i cant keep out of my mind. quote.. well from what i can remember: " ...why would they want to hold anyone else but you. if they love you then trust should take over. thats when you know that you have found that perfect someone for you. they will love you and only you. they will hate you and only you. they will only hold your hand and only kiss you at night. there is not reason or any other thought because you have him, and he has you." it was so beautiful the way the words came out of her mouth. i almost wanted to cry. i never cry.... well at stupid things like this anyways. i want that... and maybe thats why it hit me so hard. but as i sit in yet another lonely night... it only hits harder.

the problem is...i dont have time for this.

eye playing tricks

i saw him. Kevin that is.
or did i.
i kept thinking in my head how great it would be just to run in to him at a store, a restaurant, anything really. which could in fact actually happen.. i mean the towns not that bigg. just the perfect scene goes something like this in my head.

i see him.
he sees me.
i walk past him.
both look up.
says only this all very relaxed., "oh ..hey Kevin."
he gets a crazy look on his face, "like ...thats it, why isn't she mad"
then just walk away, and don't look back.

now the question that keeps running through my head...? was is him? if it was him, did he see me? i know i am going to sound like a freak crazy person but...he moved like him, pulled up his hoodie like him, which makes me think more that is was in fact him.
but is the only reason why i think it was him, was really because i was looking to find him.

better question. why do i care. if he was such an asshole, why would i even want to find him. i guess i am just crazy like that. whats funny... is that i think a normal person would be freaking out.. but when i talk about it to my friends.. nothing in me is actually upset. when i talk about it, it's almost like i don't care. they are more angry at what happen to me, then i am.
he was just someone to hold for a short time, which i knew would probably never go anywhere anyways. maybe thats why its so easy to forget. but then why am i now freaking about it here?
i think anyone does though. the mind can be tricky like that. maybe i am more mad at the fact that people just shouldn't do that to other people. even if it was just about getting some ass.

on a better note.
Evan.
oh what can i say about Evan.

pro:
cute, funny, sweet, older, red head, very irish, smart, loves movies and loves most of the movies i love, hates drama, we work together, we can make out at work, corky but in a good way, cute, good kisser, always has weed, just fun to be with.

con:
much older, 24. we work together, always has weed, pretty much the same height as me, very skinny, doesn't want a relationship, makes me afraid to say what i really want to say sometimes, have a hard time knowing what he's thinking, which makes me think he is thinking something bad, i don't know if theres any chemistry. he could turn into another Kevin. which makes me add to the con.. i just am getting over stupid Kevin (even through there was nothing there to really to get over..still he's in the back of my brain)

why is working together a good and bad thing well i will tell you.
my plan was that no one at my job would find out about us. why? well where i work people say a lot of shit. sometimes good... but mostly bad which turns into worse by the next day! plus Evan kinda had a little something with this other girl at the job... soo she would prob say i stole him or something. which just leads to drama.. which i hate. and plus it really is no ones business who i date/sleep with.
well this plan failed. very horrible. by the 3rd day... three/four people knew. but are friends with Evan and he asked not to tell anyone and i actually for once trust boys and believe they will not tell.

a text...

i wish life was like a movie sometimes. where everything always works out by the end of the tale. even though movies may show the beautiful one side of the story ... thats all it ever does..thats the one beauty of Hollywood. but after the story ends who will ever know if in fact there is a happy ending after all. Now the question that may be asked at this point is why do i think this.
The latest news...
Kevin came back home this weekend. how do i know this. not by him of course. No. by his facebook. How. his own stupidity to leave a message quoting "home for spring break" end quote. has he told me he has in fact come home. No, he hasn't. i mean does he really think i am that stupid. how can someone act one way and then another so fast. so, no i will not be texting you. and yet i know i probably will. which is the one of many things i hate about myself.
No, i do not want a relationship. not with Kevin. not with anyone. But then what is this longing for tenderness. a kiss, a hug, a touch on the shoulder. More. as human, i must face this fact, and deal with it alone.
or Not.
theres always Alan. Kevin best and longest friend. which i unfortunately had a little.. well a lot of time together last week. if you know what i mean. which to my knowledge, No Kevin does not know. why. because Alan said he would not tell him. which really. who can trust boys. even with this fact, Kevin and i were never together. in fact he did not want to be together. therefore should not be upset.
A TEXT
it is him.
quote " heyy wat u up 2" end quote
what a asshole. he has been here four days and now texts me. i will not text back.
1 hour and half later...
i texted him back.
my text to him quote "ooh.. hey hows tricks?"
he didn't text back.

valentine's day

love stinks. it's not that i wanted a stuffed bear to hold on to, or ten thousand boxs of heart shaped candy, But something, anything. Mostly... all i want was that call, the text. That wouldn't just mean a simple "text"... it would mean, that he didn't forget. He didn't forget the five hour makeout secions, the 3529075 movies we saw because there was never anything to do, and the long night in the back seat of his toyota camry. i did something stupid, krama if you will for him. making out with "the" best friend the perfect revenge... always best served cold. true it was in a drunken state... but the real question is, will he care? and of course why? WHY didn't he call. He once told me, "You are the only thing im going to miss around here." then he left without even a goodbye. maybe.. we don't need love. really if you think about it, it is a waste of time. all the hours you have trying to find love, fighting because you lost it, and spending to get it back.. so many things just happened, but blinded by love you missed them.

"It is better to have loved then not at all"

is the worst quote i have ever heard in my life. if you never had something to lose then you never knew how good it was.. so you won't miss it. But once you had it then you know how good it really was.. so now living without it, has become a hell.

Maybe it is best to just try to forget. One day his name will not even cross my mind... and yet i know he will always be there.

First of Many

Things have just seemed overwhelming lately. I wish their was someone to talk to, but I am alone. Not figuratively, literary I am alone. My mother went out on the town with her friends, trying to recapture her forgotten youth. While my father and brother left yesterday to go fight the great battle of mother earth, or as they call it, camping. Only the white walls hear my pain as I say them aloud perfectly like out of a sense of a play. Hoping in a sad way, out there in the world someone will somehow sense my pain. They will pick up the phone and call. Not to talk about what happening or to find out the lastly gossip. But only to see if I wanted to chat and to find out if I was o-k. People never do what you want them too! Or what you expect them to do. I find their more of a let down then anything else. Thats probably why I have never been much of a people person. I just can not figure out how other humans function. How we now live in the 21 century and are still faced with racism. How people will not vote for a women president even if she is most capable, on the fact that she is a women. How every time you see a person on the street you secretly judge them. I am not a saint, and I have done theses things. My story's are not fulled with adventures from the far East. My jokes aren't even that funny, but your welcome to stay, and hear, my story.