When do you know... to let go

my worlds spinning.. and its not from the fifteenth beers i drank last night. Last night was it. I broke down. I ended things with Kevin. I know its for the best, but i cant help but cry every time i think or image it. my life now without Kevin. Our relationship lasted three and a half years, the first boy i ever actually loved, the first boy i let in. It all happened so fast, i was just laying next to him and couldn't take it and finally woke his sleeping body, tears down my face telling him it was over, that i knew he didn't feel the same about me anymore and that was ok, but i needed someone who is and wants to be still in love with me. He cried, didn't fight. I asked him to stay one last night with me but he said he couldn't and left. I grabbed my knees to my chest and cried the hardest i have ever cried and like a story he came back opened the door and kissed me one last kiss goodbye and whispered, "i love you" and left.  i woke up after felling asleep crying to waking up crying and as sweet and beautiful as our last goodbyes were i still cant think he didn't even try fighting... for us. which hurts the most. he just stroked my head asking me not to cry, trying to figure out if my break up was real or not, then finally realizing it was and sat up. we held every other for a long time, and then it was over. but the pain is not, and i know its is for the best but the tears keep coming. All the things we did, even now my best friend Lauren is coming over with a bagel and i cant help but think no more early egg sandwich's with Kevin, and i cry once more.  No more once a year trip camping and white water rifting which we had done with his friends for four years in a row, no curly locks of dirty blond hair to wrap my fingers around on boring days watching tv in my basement. When... when does it stop hurting. I know we had to brake up and even prepared myself, but then why am i not prepared now. not prepared for this heartache that seems to never go away. but i know, it was time... time to let go.

The question now....Now What...

So, here i am. A now college graduate, twenty three going on twenty four years old and job less. well not work less, i don't count my shitty part time job at shop rite or my other pointless job at outback steak house a real job. the worst part about it...i still am in the lost zone. you know that zone where you take a good hard look at yourself and say, "well self ...what are you good at? what makes you happy?" truth is I'm not that great at anything and i haven't done anything yet that (can make me money) makes me happy. Well i guess ill just have to do what everyone else does when you have no idea what to do with their life. Become a COP or join the army, and please i can barely run a mile under fourteen minutes..so that leaves cop. awesome.... damn i need a mentor. application now being accepted.  if only Jillian Michael's would become my mentor at least then she would yell in my face, kick my ass and make my insides hurt..I would still be somewhat of lame depressing human being but at least i would have a slamming body in the end.

love...

idk. yes after three and a half years im still with kevin. who has become this lame boyfriend who doesnt even put his arm around me at the bar.. come on its only been three years and half that time we were a distance relationship because of school. the romance is dead and i dont know how to get it back or that it ever will.

soo this leaves breaking up or stay together. so what happens if we break up. i have seen the guys out there in fact the one guy i just recently fell head over heels for is a total complete asshole. I just found out that he has a girlfriend which is fine because i have kevin so i cant be all upset about that but... and heres the but... the girlfriend works with him but is in the next department to mine. and whenever she is around he never talks or flirts with me and the second she goes home for the day hes all over me. does he think im stupid. he probably doesnt even know i know about his girlfriend. even though he gave me such shit when i told him about kevin. And he seemed like such a nice guy in the beginning... but i guess they always do.