another day another guy.

his name is rob aka tall robbies, and perfect on paper. there is nothing wrong with rob, expect i do not know if i really like him. and worse i do not know if i m over evan 100% yet. yes, i do not think about evan a lot anymore and yes now whenever i see him i do not wish to kiss him. so in all... very good signs of getting over someone. yet, i still sometimes find myself wondering what is going on in his head, sometimes the way he wont look at me/how he does looks at me, or how he will walk past me and not say anything even though it looked like he walked out of his way to see me, or how he will laugh at the stupid things i do, the small laugh which i hated at first now have grown to love. i also wonder if i should say sometime. like are we ok? or something in those terms. but again that would lead to other pink elephants, so for now i will keep my mouth shut and wait for him to say something first...which i already know he will not. and in a way... deep in my heart it does hurt, knowing that we will never be anything but friends, or worse just people who happen to see each other at work now and then. in the car ride today he pretty much said nothing, we sat next to each other as if we were strangers forced to sit in a car we both did not want to be in. maybe he was upset about the softball game but who knows. maybe its all for the best anyways. maybe it is better that we were never anything. BUT one thing in life i hate...is always to wonder what if?!?!? and with him..with evan that will always be there.


the question that keeps going through my mind is...

would you rather be in a relationship with someone who you like but aren't sure if they like you, OR be with someone who likes you but aren't sure if you like them?

more and more this question cracks in my head. rob, would again be the the better choice. but still i wonder. someone at my job put it best, that the only reason why i wasn't sure if i liked rob was because i wasn't giving him the right chance. because i was still hangup over evan, rob just didn't fit. which in all makes a lot of sense. finally this girl said something really intelligent.

....but back to rob. he is sweet, and kind, loving, open hearted, will most definitely want a relationship, my age, drinks and smokes "weed" sometimes buuut not a lot, smart, funny, has goals, going to Stony brook college, has a plan.

so many things are going on now. my brain can not take it. i wish life was easier, and i wish things would just work out like you want them too. but then again that would make life boring!

no longer a wednesday person

sometimes i think he could love me. the way he touches my the waist when he passes by, or the things he says, that leave me gasping for air because i cant believe what he just said. but i know he will never like me the way i like him. i have come to terms with this. so then why does it still hurt that we do not have pancakes anymore on wednesdays or how on that wednesday he did not even text me to tell me he could not make it. and how he did not say that he was sorry he made me wait.
at lest i know he is not with her. or at lest thats what i keep telling myself. he talks about her, says such horrible things... but is that just a cover up, maybe he does feel something for her, maybe thats why he talks about her, because she makes him so upset. i really do not know. what i do know is i need to get laid. and for what it looks like it will not be with evan. nor do i even want it to be with evan anymore.

have you ever seen someone just sitting there. waiting. that look on there face like, "i wish someone would talk to me." my next goal, talk to that person. the best relationship you will ever have with someone is a perfect stranger. within that perfect stranger you will find the perfect person to talk to. when you meet someone for the first time, they are really meeting you. there is no reason to be fake no reason to hide anything. therefore you can tell them anything. without fear that they will tell someone you happen to know. why is it then that it becomes so easy to tell a stranger something burning on your mind but not the person you love. not the person you know. one word, fear. Fear is what stops people from being who they want to be, giving in life and in ones self. it stops you from wanting to become the person you always felt you should have been. once fear is gone, life can go on.

pink elephants

he does not want me.
i do not understand why.
and i do not understand why i feel this way.
i tell myself not to cry.
yet tears fall anyways.

we both made clear that it was not a relationship. just friends who kiss and grab each other now and then. no, we haven't had sex yet. i say yet, because yes, we have talked about having sex, often.

i hate the fact that i was lead on. and i also the fact that i really just want sex. lastly the fact that i think i started to fall for him... and now happening again just like with Kevin... he did not want me either. I keep thinking this all happened, because of this other girl at my job who i found out did in fact sleep with Evan. three different times.... with Evan though it is weird. I wouldn't care if he slept with any other girl, just not that girl i work with. for reason in which i can explain. if he did in fact sleep with other people who i dont know.. i would never have to hear about it. but with this girl,... that is all she would talk about, and to anyone. i am human, and can not help if i get jealous.. but if i see them together i might just lose it.

but i know that that is not the only reason, and i will probably never find out the real answer.

i just hate the feeling like he picked her other me. was i not prettier, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not fast enough... i just want an answer. but to the question i have not got the strength to say out load to his face. pink elephants will now hover over each of our conversions. Just like before... just like with Kevin. my fear of Evan turning into Kevin did in fact come true. but maybe it is not them.. maybe it is me. maybe i was to blame.

every wednesday the same. go to class, then meet Evan for breakfast.
but not today,
not this wednesday.
his text, quote "i gotta skip lunch 2day miss im sorry..." end quote.
i text back, quote "Coolbeans! Thinking of going home anyways...ttul" end quote.
i want to kill myself for just texting that. i should have wrote him something anything better then that. but i know i cant. the fear of driving him away is too close. why cant i just say "i really want to talk to you... i think i m falling for you, and it scares me. i know you dont feel the same way but i would rather you know then me killing myself later on in life, telling myself i should have told you."

but you always think of the best things to say..., when it's to late.

enlightenment is the best medicine

things never work out like they do in your mind. you pick out a dress, lay it on the bed and think about what is about to happen that night. you smile at yourself in the mirror and think this is going to be an amazing night. you dont mind how in real life things are all over the place, and somehow no matter what happens..it is never right. but thats the real world. and this.. this here is your world. just for that moment in time as you look at yourself in THAT dress, no less then a few minutes a day, you are fearless. you can and will be able to do anything you want.. only in thought of course. you are your own god...because you control everything your mind thinks. this
is not in any form conceited. it is the you, you always wanted to be but could not. you are that moment in time that you were able to think of that witty come back right away and not hours later as you lay your head on your pillow. you are that speech you spoke out load to the empty walls, saying the things you should have said but could not think of the words at the time.. but that is not life. and life is not a movie. it can go on with or without you. you could die tomorrow and the world would not care. it turns as you stop.



back to life.
sleep is point less now. i close my eyes only to see the blackness of my eyelids... mintues latter turning and watching the black walls around my room slowly melt..as in a horor movie. i hear the howl of the old house noise no one else can hear. the rain. the trees. the world outside my window. it has been two weeks now. sleep hours gotten= maybe 4 a night. i dont know what has caused this. worry maybe..? school? unwill drama ready to be forseen? love? well love less anyways? i keep telling myself i am buying time going to suffolk...time to find out what i want to do with my life. but what is going to happen when that time is gone. will i know. will i have learned anything. college is a waste of time. righting essays that no one will read but you and the professor. getting graded not on the topic or how empacted your essay maybe.. but on the grammer and spell errrors you have made.
goal of the day: find out what it is you like to do.
update to be continued....


back to love.
i dont understand man. i hate this game we play.. yet it is nothing like a game. we set the rules, but you cheat (meaning: not in the actually form of the "relationship cheating"). we are talking old school board games here. someone who i work with said something to me that i cant keep out of my mind. quote.. well from what i can remember: " ...why would they want to hold anyone else but you. if they love you then trust should take over. thats when you know that you have found that perfect someone for you. they will love you and only you. they will hate you and only you. they will only hold your hand and only kiss you at night. there is not reason or any other thought because you have him, and he has you." it was so beautiful the way the words came out of her mouth. i almost wanted to cry. i never cry.... well at stupid things like this anyways. i want that... and maybe thats why it hit me so hard. but as i sit in yet another lonely night... it only hits harder.

the problem is...i dont have time for this.