"I've learned that sometimes we need to put distance between us and the people in our lives that hold us back in order to further our development as people. If the people you have been spending your time with could potentially guide you off track or slow you down, sometimes letting these people go is the best thing to do."

these words i did not write.. yet stole from a person i feel knows more then me.


but in these words i find they are true and hold comfort in them. Letting go of Evan is something i have to do and so far have been able to do some. I do not think of him anymore nor do not even care about him as I once did. Yes, it is a little sad that i will never know if there was anything between me and Evan. But Kevin made that choice easy.... i think i have really started to fall for him.

Falling Into Place

well lets see what is new in the life of me..
new love
new school
new dreams!

Love..
Kevin after a YEAR!!!!!! finally asked me to be his girlfriend! which is big, big for me anyways because... i was starting to think it wasn't going to happen special after i went to New jersey and i left he said" we will talk about us when i come home in 2 weeks". Im happy though, that fuzzy feeling is through and i get chills everything i think about him.. though i hate my mind because all i keep thinking of is how Im his first girlfriend since Melissa.. which he dated all though high school and was in a relationship with her for 3 years...( HoLlySHIT!!) sighh i hate the thought of her.. and when he brings her up in conversation i just want to change the topic but i know he wants to talk about her so i just have to shut up and take it. I do not want to be compaired to her.. which i know im in his mind which idk how to change that.. or if i ever could. I don't want to be one of those girls that tells their boyfriend he can not see certain people.. thats just fucked up.. because i would feel the same way if Kevin asked me not to see Evan or talk to him anymore.
School...
Cortalnd!!!! i can't wait!!! its going to be amazing!!!
Dreams...
i want to write! i was telling kevin about a story i had been writing for a while now.. and i reliest i love it. i loved every minute of telling him about it and it just made me want to write more. Maybe i will take some writing classes at Cortland and see how it pans out!!
THINGS ARE GOING GREAT AND FINALLY FALLING INTO PLACE!!!

sickness makes the mind open

i feel sick. no really.. not in the figurative way of saying that.. i am sick. i head hurts and i can not stop coughing whatever it is that is in my lungs. but i find that when you are sick is the best way to find your true feelings about something. maybe because you have nothing to do but sit in your own grief and think. think about the future and where you'll be.. maybe that's why your bodies fail us. Maybe that's gods way of slowing ourselves down and making us think about our life's. Logically it makes scene.. when you are stress you are more easily to get sick. anyways i have though alot about my life this weekend. School for the most part. I got accepted to Cortland, and Oneoneta. Though Cortland is a good school i think i might go to Oneoneta, I like there program more and with Cortland i feel like i would be stuck becoming a teacher which i do not really want to do. It's funny how all of your decisions about life will change who you are, who you will become, and how you will die. You do not think about the small ones but i feel the smaller decisions are the ones that determine EVERYTHING. say you want a bagel that morning you go out get in your car and go and get one... waiting at the light you get hit be a car. if only now that same morning you were to wake and say hmm i want egg you would still believe. But we must not think about this because if we did we would live in fear.
love...
i have though about this as well in my sickin state of mind. Kevin is the only boy i really think about. I said before that i could not see myself falling in love with him.. but that was a lie. and true lie that i made myself say just to say it. Because the true is im so scraed im going to mess everything up.. like i always do. I have never had that feeling about everyone before. love? whatever this may be. Though i do not feel in for Kevin yet.. i know i one day will. YET evan... still is in my mind for some reason unknown to me. i hate him for that. why can i not be happy. why must i always think about this. i should be happy. I SHOULD GOD DAMN BE HAPPY. ...sadly im not. fucking evan, who i should not like at all.. i find myself thinking about sometimes... maybe it is just that fact that i can not be with him that kills me. i need to let him go. i need to make myself not like him. which lucky for me.. i have no problems doing. now its time for drugs and sleep!! good night!