When do you know... to let go

my worlds spinning.. and its not from the fifteenth beers i drank last night. Last night was it. I broke down. I ended things with Kevin. I know its for the best, but i cant help but cry every time i think or image it. my life now without Kevin. Our relationship lasted three and a half years, the first boy i ever actually loved, the first boy i let in. It all happened so fast, i was just laying next to him and couldn't take it and finally woke his sleeping body, tears down my face telling him it was over, that i knew he didn't feel the same about me anymore and that was ok, but i needed someone who is and wants to be still in love with me. He cried, didn't fight. I asked him to stay one last night with me but he said he couldn't and left. I grabbed my knees to my chest and cried the hardest i have ever cried and like a story he came back opened the door and kissed me one last kiss goodbye and whispered, "i love you" and left.  i woke up after felling asleep crying to waking up crying and as sweet and beautiful as our last goodbyes were i still cant think he didn't even try fighting... for us. which hurts the most. he just stroked my head asking me not to cry, trying to figure out if my break up was real or not, then finally realizing it was and sat up. we held every other for a long time, and then it was over. but the pain is not, and i know its is for the best but the tears keep coming. All the things we did, even now my best friend Lauren is coming over with a bagel and i cant help but think no more early egg sandwich's with Kevin, and i cry once more.  No more once a year trip camping and white water rifting which we had done with his friends for four years in a row, no curly locks of dirty blond hair to wrap my fingers around on boring days watching tv in my basement. When... when does it stop hurting. I know we had to brake up and even prepared myself, but then why am i not prepared now. not prepared for this heartache that seems to never go away. but i know, it was time... time to let go.

The question now....Now What...

So, here i am. A now college graduate, twenty three going on twenty four years old and job less. well not work less, i don't count my shitty part time job at shop rite or my other pointless job at outback steak house a real job. the worst part about it...i still am in the lost zone. you know that zone where you take a good hard look at yourself and say, "well self ...what are you good at? what makes you happy?" truth is I'm not that great at anything and i haven't done anything yet that (can make me money) makes me happy. Well i guess ill just have to do what everyone else does when you have no idea what to do with their life. Become a COP or join the army, and please i can barely run a mile under fourteen minutes..so that leaves cop. awesome.... damn i need a mentor. application now being accepted.  if only Jillian Michael's would become my mentor at least then she would yell in my face, kick my ass and make my insides hurt..I would still be somewhat of lame depressing human being but at least i would have a slamming body in the end.

love...

idk. yes after three and a half years im still with kevin. who has become this lame boyfriend who doesnt even put his arm around me at the bar.. come on its only been three years and half that time we were a distance relationship because of school. the romance is dead and i dont know how to get it back or that it ever will.

soo this leaves breaking up or stay together. so what happens if we break up. i have seen the guys out there in fact the one guy i just recently fell head over heels for is a total complete asshole. I just found out that he has a girlfriend which is fine because i have kevin so i cant be all upset about that but... and heres the but... the girlfriend works with him but is in the next department to mine. and whenever she is around he never talks or flirts with me and the second she goes home for the day hes all over me. does he think im stupid. he probably doesnt even know i know about his girlfriend. even though he gave me such shit when i told him about kevin. And he seemed like such a nice guy in the beginning... but i guess they always do.

People Watcher

So Im sitting her waiting for for next class to start. I find a sit pull out my lab top and start working on my paper... just about four minutes in this other girl sits down pull out her phone and starts talking on.. but not just talking like load "hahahaha omg realllly!" god i hate people. So I give up on my paper no reason to write it when this girl is blahing away and i forget every sentence I wanna write.


People watching can be fun but also annoying. Take this guy that started talking to this girl their conversation kinda went like this.

Boy- So what do you want to do with your magor?
Girl- Um.. Im not really to sure yet Im going into Medical Ant.
Boy- Oh thats cool.. so what do you want to do with it.
Girl- Um.. Maybe travel the world, I really would like to do that.
Boy- Oh thats cool.. So how do you plan on getting that.
Girl- Um.. Im sure there is away.
Boy- Well you really should know, This is what you wanna do.
Girl- Um.. yeah
Boy- You should blahblahblagh some bullshit blahh let me know talk about myself for 15 mins.
Girl-... Umm ok

As I watch I kinda felt like who is this guy.. like really who is he to question or judge what she wants to do with her life. She obviously doesn't know what she wants to do for the reason of her life. I just really hate people like that, you think they are so smart, and he probably thinks he is helpping. But he is not. She will leave the conversation and think about her life and how she has no idea what she wants to do and feel helpless and alone and mad. Mad that things just dont come to her like they do everyone else. How for other people thigns are just handed to them without any questions. God I hate people.. what the hell am i doing as a Sociology major. FUCK!


Sighhhh.. there is a bright side to everything. In less then two weeks I will be home.

realationships. <3

Yup, shockingly enough im still with Kevin.. even when I want to punch him in the face sometimes. But I do love him and really glad we are still together.... He recently came up up so he could go to this winter formal thingy Cortland was having.. it was ok. The reason it was only ok is because Kevin acted like a ass hole the whole time. He did not want to dance and then basicely left me to go to the bar. it was so stupid because if you dont want to dance dont come. He drove all that way to come to a dance which he did't want to dance. He always gets mad at me too.. for such stupid reasons. Like how i will admit I have come to want to dress better and for once look good.. he takes it as "WHO IM TRYING TO LOOK GOOD FOR!" hes so dumb like i want all his friends to ask why he would date me if I look like crap. How they would say dude you could do so much better. It just makes me mad because he doesnt see I want to dress nice for him, and no one else. He thinks to far into things.

BUUUT winter break is coming up and im glad i get to spend the whole winter with him.. well winter break anyways. The bad news is school is almost over and my grades... well they are not good.. i really didnt try this semester which sucks.. i hate getting bad grades but its whatever ill make them up next semester!

God I cant wait until school is over!!

soo college!

So im in collegeeeee! not lik i wasnt before but now im away here at beauitiful SUNY Cortland! everything is pretty much just lik i though it would be partys every night and mad people just looking to find thoses parties! the first night out was a bust to say the lest! We ended up at a party which had no beer and lost 5 dollars on nothing.. and endded up going back to the dorms! But the next night was amazing we endded up going to three parties and having a awesome time! BUUUUUT my roommate and I endded up pregaming before we went.. which was maybe a mistake because we endded up drunk before 12 and endded up home by 1230 due to the fact that my roommate lit ran away and i had to chance her down! haha College would be amazing if there was just parties and no class! i have class everyday which blows! ans the night after that i endded going back to this after party with this guy Barry (NOTHING HAPPPPPPPEN!) this wanted to add that bc i went but to smoke a little which didnt happ because 5 min after getting to the house another guy came running in clamming he got jumpped by 11 guys so all the guys ended up going back to the party and getting into a huge fight which the cops ofcouse broke up within 10 minutes of the guys leaving! That worst part was back at the house all the girls were there, where drama set in when these two bitches locked us out! Which the girls that were close with the guys that livied in that house freaked out and started breaking into the house! the two girls that locked us out of the house I knew with being a tranfer.... so now i was stuck inthe middle between picking sides so i was just about to leave whenthe boys came back btu i left anyways... barry walked me home and that was pretty much the break down of the night! BUTTTT tonight Kevin is coming to visit me! which im sooo happy and excited to see him! because i neeeed sex!! haha no but really i do! ha but its not just the sex i really love kevin and finially i understand when people talk about being in love! i just wish that something he would be sooo dramay if that is a word! he takes thing so hard sometimes when things dont go that way.. especially when he is drunk! needless to say i do not think we will be going out when he is here... because well i know him and he will be crazy drama which i dont need! well i got class up a moutain so til my next post!
xoxo

Learning something new everyday

I just got back from Jersey visiting Kevin.. i had a good time which is true.. minues the stupid comment Kevin made.. what was his comment well lets share.

(In the room...Kevin, Matt (Kevin best friend) and this girl Katy which the boy were tryin to get us to make out)

Kevin - dont worry about us we do our own thing!

Me- umm.. thanks

so i guess thats thats

not that we are over just now i know the truth that I guess kevin doesn't see us as really anything. What they say is true.. You learn something new each day. I just wish it didn't hurt.

He also told me how he plans to take year round classes next year. I knew being with Kevin was going to be hard but this is not a relationship its feels like just a person who i see once in a while and fuck. well.. ok maybe we are not just that but it really feels sometimes thats what we have turned into. When I told Evan he was loving it.. just made me hate him more! I really wish I didn't have feeling for Evan but I do.

About a week ago.. as wrong as it was I went and chilled with him.. drank alittle and played some pool after words we went back and watched a movie at his place I didn't do anything with him.. but i ended up spilling my feelings for him and felt like a fool. I told him in tears how it sucks falling for someone who will never feel the same about you as you do for them. I couldn't take it anymore so I went to leave Evan stopped me and said only the worst thing in the world. "Kat your an amazing girl.. just..." I stopped him there and said I cant and left. It was best I already knew what he was going to say and even if it wasn't he woulda stopped me which he didn't. I so tired of chancing boys wheres my movie tale endding where he comes out of the home and grabs my arm turns me around and kisses me. For a boy who is in love with movies as Evan is one would think he would learn from them.

over this hill in time

i picked up my cap and gown for graduation yesterday. Yes im graduating from Suffolk... and though im glad this part of my life is over not to mention that it only took me 2 years at suffolk which norm people have to stay there for 3 years. But when i payied for the black robs all the women behind the counter were like CONGRADUATION! GOOD FOR YOU!!!! somehow in my head i really do not think graduating from Suffolk is that much of a big deal.. in fact it was my mom that wanted me to walk at graduation.. urg something i really do not want to be but seeing as they payed for most of my education who am i to argue.

OH and me and Kevin are still together!! YAY and i get to see him soon even better!!!
Evan is still a toolbag
working every day this week doubles SUX
and food running on saturday URGGGGG
BUTTTTTTTT
Life is good!! <3
LOVE!!!!! SAVE THE EMPTY
GOOD NIGHT!

i missed everything up.

i missed everything up.
i missed everything up.
i missed everything up.
i FUCKING missed everything up.


why do i do this to myself all the fucking time.
i feel the words coming out of my mouth and know i should stop myself but nope.. i just let the vomit come out.

i told Kevin that i had said something to Evan about him having problems in certain areas (which telling Evan all of this i told him before me and Kevin started actaully dating). But it was only to ask if i could do anything to help in those areas but i think he took it wrong. which sucks because now Kevin doesn't have any problem.. in fact its the best sex i have ever had. He is the first guy that can actually get me off while having sex. he's the first guy i can actually see myself with for a while....and i hurt him.. i manged to make him now not trust me.
i have to stop because i just cant write anymore without starting a cry.

FUCKKKKKK! why do i fuck everything up.