the past is back..but maybe not to hant me

so here's a name i have not talked about in a while... Kevin. the fuzzy feeling deep down in the blackness of my heart which i didn't think i would ever feel for him again have come back... sadly though i do not think i can ever see myself falling in love with him.. which is weird because that is normally something i have no probable seeing in the future. my heart beats so fast when i read one of his texts.. its hard because he is away at school once again.. which was the main reason he hurt me so bad.. which i will explain a little later..... Bbbut sometimes idk i think we could be so good together, yet at the some time i know it will never be like it was before. These new fuzzy feeling feel is so different then before... maybe it was because he hurt me so bad the first time around that i can not look at him the same way as before.. but i really can not hold that against him because if i was in his shoes i would have done the same thing.
His main reason he ended things or really just stopped things was because he said "i cant be in a long distance relationship"... which he brought up everytime we chilled before he left.. when all i wanted to do was spend time with him... it was hard because i wanted to be with him but i knew that he was right and a long distance relationship would have never worked out... inthe end i think it deff was best now i have gone and i understand and wasn't rushed into thing.. and really if you think about it.. if you are ment to be with someone it will happen.. maybe not right away but FATE is real, i do not care what anyone says, it is.. it has to be.

i just hate her so much

the hate for this one person at my job kills me inside.. and i never feel this way fowards someone.. but this time is different the line way way crossed.

soo today i went up.. ( i would have gone sooner to confront her buuut i didn't see her) so anyways i go up to her and begin look i dont wanna make this awkward but i really want to talk to you.. about the other day with the story i told you about the guy.. i dont feel like it was your place to say anything.. i asked for your advise and you turned around and told him everything i said. she ofcourse would not let me talk and keep going on about how that convation was with her and evan not me.. and im like how it was about me.. and it wreally wasn't your place to say anything because i did not say evans name and i changed his age.. she at one point actually got the nurve the been up a pass remore about me and another co worker which had nothing to do with what i was talking about at all.... but what really upset me the most is about 30 mins after i got so mad i had to leave (because lets face it its not even worth fighting someone who isn't going to listen) she just came right up to me like it never happen and just started talking about herself as always... god i hate her. i really do not think i will ever understand her.. all i wanted was an apologize thats all.. all i wanted NO expect was... "i am sorry your right it wasn't my place to say anything" but NO i got nothing!!! which probable is why am more/still upset.

i love my job.. but sometimes i hate the people

so i got a little/lota drunk again and txted evan to come over which he didn't bc of something happed with his mom.. which to tell you the truth im still not sure actually happened.. so anyways i was a little confusted though out the day so at work i asked some people what they though about that situation and if they would think that same things thats were going thow my mind.....the key thing is tho that i changed his name bc to be honest again i hate my business shared with everyone.. bc it is my business noone elses.. so today like 5 mintues ago i just found out that someone txted evan and told him everything i said to them yesterday.. mother fucking people.. why would you do that!!!! thats like stabing someone in the back! never would i do that to someone.. especilly when they know or at lest they know how much i like him! what i still can not figure out tho is how did they know i was talking about evan when i never said his name! i hate people so much sometimes i which i could just be on an island alone... never have to worry about anything or anyone else! the bad thing about this all is it hurts.. it hurts so bad i cant even give the words and theres nothing i can do about it

it started with a stupid drunken txt

i feel so stupid...


Last night i went to a party and didn't get wasted buuut still got pretty drunk.. drunk enough to txt Evan and txt like a fool. in my drunken txt's went somethig lik this "why aren't you there your never here" and things like "you never understand this thing we hv" in the morning only made it worse bc he txted me seeing wha was up with last night. i just feel so stupid now because of the fact that we were never anything and i put way to much of my heart into something that was never really there. i wish he could understand that but in the morning txts made me so upset to the point of tears.. i was so hurt by just everything and for once i actaully opened up to someone.. yet sadly i know i shouldn't of. I felt like he was just txting me back because he felt bad, like he was trying to be there but prob couldn't gave a fuck. which might not be true but these are the thoughs i always get. i told him stuff.. stuff i never tell anyone... like how i hate relationship how they freak me out and how i fall i love with the idea of a person and not actaully the person. i just hate myself now and felt so stupid for getting sooo upset. the only thing im glad about was i was able to make it look like it wasn't just him that was upseting me it was everything which in a way is true. i also hate myself for this.. for always telling things as they really are. io hate bullshit and think when your upset you should tell someone.. my only problem with this is there is never anyone that will listen to you. and i mean really listen without paying them to do so. its so good to vent to someone i just wish i did not vent all of this to Evan the one person that i really did not want him knowing how crazy i can get. sighhh