LOVE... again
..i feel kinda dumb saying this.. but he texted me yesterday....( sadly this is the only place i can say it freely without judgement, and without that questionable eye asking why did he text her and not me.) reading his text, felt good inside like a warm hug or that first bit of a fresh baked cookie... maybe out there somewhere there was hope that we will one day soon be together. i told Corey ( the new boyfriend ) that he had nothing to worry about Evan.. that we are just friends that hooked up a while back.. but sigh if only he knew if only anyone knew. the reason why this text shocked me so much with joy.. i can not really tell you... maybe because i was thinking of him.. and then there he was.. or that fact that we never really text each other ..not a lot anyway and not just to bullshit. but just his plain text of, "hows your night?" made my heart race. its odd but that's all it takes.
...the decition that i have to make im not sure how... keep Corey as the bf before or after x-mas n newyears. NOW this destion is not for the reason of getting a gift, what kinda girl would that make me... but sigh i have never had anyone for this holiday, the one holiday where you just want to hold someone close and drink hot choclate with marshmellows all night long, and maybe for once, it would be a nice change. but i do kinda want to be single for new years. after all im young and who knows maybe i could kiss evan at 12am when the ball drops. but that is a big MAYBE after all.
things with corey have been.. idk. i do like him still, and he is sweet... but man he needs to get his life together, and plus... now every time he says, "i love you".. i say "i love you too!" just because of that fact that we got into a fight about why i do not say "i love you" back when he says it. i feel worse now every time i say it though. ...i know it isn't true.. which makes it even more worse because it makes me feel that Corey knows it isn't true but does not want to say anything about it because that will get into another pointless fight. Lastly the fact that the new fuzzy feeling of meeting a new person has passed and now i'm left with that empty feeling.. the wanting of something more and better. ......the same thing in every relationship i have been in.. a month goes by and i get bored. i hate myself for that. because in each relation i have been in.. always ends the same way. I kinda wish i could just blame them for the relationship endding, it would make things so much earlier.. but sadly i know the truth.. its me.. its always been me.
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