People Watcher

So Im sitting her waiting for for next class to start. I find a sit pull out my lab top and start working on my paper... just about four minutes in this other girl sits down pull out her phone and starts talking on.. but not just talking like load "hahahaha omg realllly!" god i hate people. So I give up on my paper no reason to write it when this girl is blahing away and i forget every sentence I wanna write.


People watching can be fun but also annoying. Take this guy that started talking to this girl their conversation kinda went like this.

Boy- So what do you want to do with your magor?
Girl- Um.. Im not really to sure yet Im going into Medical Ant.
Boy- Oh thats cool.. so what do you want to do with it.
Girl- Um.. Maybe travel the world, I really would like to do that.
Boy- Oh thats cool.. So how do you plan on getting that.
Girl- Um.. Im sure there is away.
Boy- Well you really should know, This is what you wanna do.
Girl- Um.. yeah
Boy- You should blahblahblagh some bullshit blahh let me know talk about myself for 15 mins.
Girl-... Umm ok

As I watch I kinda felt like who is this guy.. like really who is he to question or judge what she wants to do with her life. She obviously doesn't know what she wants to do for the reason of her life. I just really hate people like that, you think they are so smart, and he probably thinks he is helpping. But he is not. She will leave the conversation and think about her life and how she has no idea what she wants to do and feel helpless and alone and mad. Mad that things just dont come to her like they do everyone else. How for other people thigns are just handed to them without any questions. God I hate people.. what the hell am i doing as a Sociology major. FUCK!


Sighhhh.. there is a bright side to everything. In less then two weeks I will be home.

realationships. <3

Yup, shockingly enough im still with Kevin.. even when I want to punch him in the face sometimes. But I do love him and really glad we are still together.... He recently came up up so he could go to this winter formal thingy Cortland was having.. it was ok. The reason it was only ok is because Kevin acted like a ass hole the whole time. He did not want to dance and then basicely left me to go to the bar. it was so stupid because if you dont want to dance dont come. He drove all that way to come to a dance which he did't want to dance. He always gets mad at me too.. for such stupid reasons. Like how i will admit I have come to want to dress better and for once look good.. he takes it as "WHO IM TRYING TO LOOK GOOD FOR!" hes so dumb like i want all his friends to ask why he would date me if I look like crap. How they would say dude you could do so much better. It just makes me mad because he doesnt see I want to dress nice for him, and no one else. He thinks to far into things.

BUUUT winter break is coming up and im glad i get to spend the whole winter with him.. well winter break anyways. The bad news is school is almost over and my grades... well they are not good.. i really didnt try this semester which sucks.. i hate getting bad grades but its whatever ill make them up next semester!

God I cant wait until school is over!!

soo college!

So im in collegeeeee! not lik i wasnt before but now im away here at beauitiful SUNY Cortland! everything is pretty much just lik i though it would be partys every night and mad people just looking to find thoses parties! the first night out was a bust to say the lest! We ended up at a party which had no beer and lost 5 dollars on nothing.. and endded up going back to the dorms! But the next night was amazing we endded up going to three parties and having a awesome time! BUUUUUT my roommate and I endded up pregaming before we went.. which was maybe a mistake because we endded up drunk before 12 and endded up home by 1230 due to the fact that my roommate lit ran away and i had to chance her down! haha College would be amazing if there was just parties and no class! i have class everyday which blows! ans the night after that i endded going back to this after party with this guy Barry (NOTHING HAPPPPPPPEN!) this wanted to add that bc i went but to smoke a little which didnt happ because 5 min after getting to the house another guy came running in clamming he got jumpped by 11 guys so all the guys ended up going back to the party and getting into a huge fight which the cops ofcouse broke up within 10 minutes of the guys leaving! That worst part was back at the house all the girls were there, where drama set in when these two bitches locked us out! Which the girls that were close with the guys that livied in that house freaked out and started breaking into the house! the two girls that locked us out of the house I knew with being a tranfer.... so now i was stuck inthe middle between picking sides so i was just about to leave whenthe boys came back btu i left anyways... barry walked me home and that was pretty much the break down of the night! BUTTTT tonight Kevin is coming to visit me! which im sooo happy and excited to see him! because i neeeed sex!! haha no but really i do! ha but its not just the sex i really love kevin and finially i understand when people talk about being in love! i just wish that something he would be sooo dramay if that is a word! he takes thing so hard sometimes when things dont go that way.. especially when he is drunk! needless to say i do not think we will be going out when he is here... because well i know him and he will be crazy drama which i dont need! well i got class up a moutain so til my next post!
xoxo

Learning something new everyday

I just got back from Jersey visiting Kevin.. i had a good time which is true.. minues the stupid comment Kevin made.. what was his comment well lets share.

(In the room...Kevin, Matt (Kevin best friend) and this girl Katy which the boy were tryin to get us to make out)

Kevin - dont worry about us we do our own thing!

Me- umm.. thanks

so i guess thats thats

not that we are over just now i know the truth that I guess kevin doesn't see us as really anything. What they say is true.. You learn something new each day. I just wish it didn't hurt.

He also told me how he plans to take year round classes next year. I knew being with Kevin was going to be hard but this is not a relationship its feels like just a person who i see once in a while and fuck. well.. ok maybe we are not just that but it really feels sometimes thats what we have turned into. When I told Evan he was loving it.. just made me hate him more! I really wish I didn't have feeling for Evan but I do.

About a week ago.. as wrong as it was I went and chilled with him.. drank alittle and played some pool after words we went back and watched a movie at his place I didn't do anything with him.. but i ended up spilling my feelings for him and felt like a fool. I told him in tears how it sucks falling for someone who will never feel the same about you as you do for them. I couldn't take it anymore so I went to leave Evan stopped me and said only the worst thing in the world. "Kat your an amazing girl.. just..." I stopped him there and said I cant and left. It was best I already knew what he was going to say and even if it wasn't he woulda stopped me which he didn't. I so tired of chancing boys wheres my movie tale endding where he comes out of the home and grabs my arm turns me around and kisses me. For a boy who is in love with movies as Evan is one would think he would learn from them.

over this hill in time

i picked up my cap and gown for graduation yesterday. Yes im graduating from Suffolk... and though im glad this part of my life is over not to mention that it only took me 2 years at suffolk which norm people have to stay there for 3 years. But when i payied for the black robs all the women behind the counter were like CONGRADUATION! GOOD FOR YOU!!!! somehow in my head i really do not think graduating from Suffolk is that much of a big deal.. in fact it was my mom that wanted me to walk at graduation.. urg something i really do not want to be but seeing as they payed for most of my education who am i to argue.

OH and me and Kevin are still together!! YAY and i get to see him soon even better!!!
Evan is still a toolbag
working every day this week doubles SUX
and food running on saturday URGGGGG
BUTTTTTTTT
Life is good!! <3
LOVE!!!!! SAVE THE EMPTY
GOOD NIGHT!

i missed everything up.

i missed everything up.
i missed everything up.
i missed everything up.
i FUCKING missed everything up.


why do i do this to myself all the fucking time.
i feel the words coming out of my mouth and know i should stop myself but nope.. i just let the vomit come out.

i told Kevin that i had said something to Evan about him having problems in certain areas (which telling Evan all of this i told him before me and Kevin started actaully dating). But it was only to ask if i could do anything to help in those areas but i think he took it wrong. which sucks because now Kevin doesn't have any problem.. in fact its the best sex i have ever had. He is the first guy that can actually get me off while having sex. he's the first guy i can actually see myself with for a while....and i hurt him.. i manged to make him now not trust me.
i have to stop because i just cant write anymore without starting a cry.

FUCKKKKKK! why do i fuck everything up.

"I've learned that sometimes we need to put distance between us and the people in our lives that hold us back in order to further our development as people. If the people you have been spending your time with could potentially guide you off track or slow you down, sometimes letting these people go is the best thing to do."

these words i did not write.. yet stole from a person i feel knows more then me.


but in these words i find they are true and hold comfort in them. Letting go of Evan is something i have to do and so far have been able to do some. I do not think of him anymore nor do not even care about him as I once did. Yes, it is a little sad that i will never know if there was anything between me and Evan. But Kevin made that choice easy.... i think i have really started to fall for him.

Falling Into Place

well lets see what is new in the life of me..
new love
new school
new dreams!

Love..
Kevin after a YEAR!!!!!! finally asked me to be his girlfriend! which is big, big for me anyways because... i was starting to think it wasn't going to happen special after i went to New jersey and i left he said" we will talk about us when i come home in 2 weeks". Im happy though, that fuzzy feeling is through and i get chills everything i think about him.. though i hate my mind because all i keep thinking of is how Im his first girlfriend since Melissa.. which he dated all though high school and was in a relationship with her for 3 years...( HoLlySHIT!!) sighh i hate the thought of her.. and when he brings her up in conversation i just want to change the topic but i know he wants to talk about her so i just have to shut up and take it. I do not want to be compaired to her.. which i know im in his mind which idk how to change that.. or if i ever could. I don't want to be one of those girls that tells their boyfriend he can not see certain people.. thats just fucked up.. because i would feel the same way if Kevin asked me not to see Evan or talk to him anymore.
School...
Cortalnd!!!! i can't wait!!! its going to be amazing!!!
Dreams...
i want to write! i was telling kevin about a story i had been writing for a while now.. and i reliest i love it. i loved every minute of telling him about it and it just made me want to write more. Maybe i will take some writing classes at Cortland and see how it pans out!!
THINGS ARE GOING GREAT AND FINALLY FALLING INTO PLACE!!!

sickness makes the mind open

i feel sick. no really.. not in the figurative way of saying that.. i am sick. i head hurts and i can not stop coughing whatever it is that is in my lungs. but i find that when you are sick is the best way to find your true feelings about something. maybe because you have nothing to do but sit in your own grief and think. think about the future and where you'll be.. maybe that's why your bodies fail us. Maybe that's gods way of slowing ourselves down and making us think about our life's. Logically it makes scene.. when you are stress you are more easily to get sick. anyways i have though alot about my life this weekend. School for the most part. I got accepted to Cortland, and Oneoneta. Though Cortland is a good school i think i might go to Oneoneta, I like there program more and with Cortland i feel like i would be stuck becoming a teacher which i do not really want to do. It's funny how all of your decisions about life will change who you are, who you will become, and how you will die. You do not think about the small ones but i feel the smaller decisions are the ones that determine EVERYTHING. say you want a bagel that morning you go out get in your car and go and get one... waiting at the light you get hit be a car. if only now that same morning you were to wake and say hmm i want egg you would still believe. But we must not think about this because if we did we would live in fear.
love...
i have though about this as well in my sickin state of mind. Kevin is the only boy i really think about. I said before that i could not see myself falling in love with him.. but that was a lie. and true lie that i made myself say just to say it. Because the true is im so scraed im going to mess everything up.. like i always do. I have never had that feeling about everyone before. love? whatever this may be. Though i do not feel in for Kevin yet.. i know i one day will. YET evan... still is in my mind for some reason unknown to me. i hate him for that. why can i not be happy. why must i always think about this. i should be happy. I SHOULD GOD DAMN BE HAPPY. ...sadly im not. fucking evan, who i should not like at all.. i find myself thinking about sometimes... maybe it is just that fact that i can not be with him that kills me. i need to let him go. i need to make myself not like him. which lucky for me.. i have no problems doing. now its time for drugs and sleep!! good night!

3 weeks to go

i might be wrong be i think Kevin tried to tell me he wanted to be "boyfriend/girlfriend" .. i could ofcourse be way off.. but idk, we first were talking online then he called me and started to explain himself.. which actually helped and i kinda got it.. it was hard because i could tell he really did not have the words.. but at the same time probably did not want to just pour his heart out and and have me maybe not feel the same way.. BUT I DO! i do feel the same way! i wish he would have just said what he wanted to say but i know how hard it is for him to just open up like that.. i mean no one wants to be totally honestest and then stepped on... but still i wish he would have. He invited me to go see and stay with him for a weekend in 3 weeks, we both agreed that we should really talk about this more in person. He said that he wanted more but he was scared of losing me.. that has to be something.. ofcourse i could be looking way to much into it. im so confused but at the same time i know what he is going to say.. or at lest hope i know. i guess i will find out in 3 weeks. excited, scraed... yes!

the past is back..but maybe not to hant me

so here's a name i have not talked about in a while... Kevin. the fuzzy feeling deep down in the blackness of my heart which i didn't think i would ever feel for him again have come back... sadly though i do not think i can ever see myself falling in love with him.. which is weird because that is normally something i have no probable seeing in the future. my heart beats so fast when i read one of his texts.. its hard because he is away at school once again.. which was the main reason he hurt me so bad.. which i will explain a little later..... Bbbut sometimes idk i think we could be so good together, yet at the some time i know it will never be like it was before. These new fuzzy feeling feel is so different then before... maybe it was because he hurt me so bad the first time around that i can not look at him the same way as before.. but i really can not hold that against him because if i was in his shoes i would have done the same thing.
His main reason he ended things or really just stopped things was because he said "i cant be in a long distance relationship"... which he brought up everytime we chilled before he left.. when all i wanted to do was spend time with him... it was hard because i wanted to be with him but i knew that he was right and a long distance relationship would have never worked out... inthe end i think it deff was best now i have gone and i understand and wasn't rushed into thing.. and really if you think about it.. if you are ment to be with someone it will happen.. maybe not right away but FATE is real, i do not care what anyone says, it is.. it has to be.

i just hate her so much

the hate for this one person at my job kills me inside.. and i never feel this way fowards someone.. but this time is different the line way way crossed.

soo today i went up.. ( i would have gone sooner to confront her buuut i didn't see her) so anyways i go up to her and begin look i dont wanna make this awkward but i really want to talk to you.. about the other day with the story i told you about the guy.. i dont feel like it was your place to say anything.. i asked for your advise and you turned around and told him everything i said. she ofcourse would not let me talk and keep going on about how that convation was with her and evan not me.. and im like how it was about me.. and it wreally wasn't your place to say anything because i did not say evans name and i changed his age.. she at one point actually got the nurve the been up a pass remore about me and another co worker which had nothing to do with what i was talking about at all.... but what really upset me the most is about 30 mins after i got so mad i had to leave (because lets face it its not even worth fighting someone who isn't going to listen) she just came right up to me like it never happen and just started talking about herself as always... god i hate her. i really do not think i will ever understand her.. all i wanted was an apologize thats all.. all i wanted NO expect was... "i am sorry your right it wasn't my place to say anything" but NO i got nothing!!! which probable is why am more/still upset.

i love my job.. but sometimes i hate the people

so i got a little/lota drunk again and txted evan to come over which he didn't bc of something happed with his mom.. which to tell you the truth im still not sure actually happened.. so anyways i was a little confusted though out the day so at work i asked some people what they though about that situation and if they would think that same things thats were going thow my mind.....the key thing is tho that i changed his name bc to be honest again i hate my business shared with everyone.. bc it is my business noone elses.. so today like 5 mintues ago i just found out that someone txted evan and told him everything i said to them yesterday.. mother fucking people.. why would you do that!!!! thats like stabing someone in the back! never would i do that to someone.. especilly when they know or at lest they know how much i like him! what i still can not figure out tho is how did they know i was talking about evan when i never said his name! i hate people so much sometimes i which i could just be on an island alone... never have to worry about anything or anyone else! the bad thing about this all is it hurts.. it hurts so bad i cant even give the words and theres nothing i can do about it

it started with a stupid drunken txt

i feel so stupid...


Last night i went to a party and didn't get wasted buuut still got pretty drunk.. drunk enough to txt Evan and txt like a fool. in my drunken txt's went somethig lik this "why aren't you there your never here" and things like "you never understand this thing we hv" in the morning only made it worse bc he txted me seeing wha was up with last night. i just feel so stupid now because of the fact that we were never anything and i put way to much of my heart into something that was never really there. i wish he could understand that but in the morning txts made me so upset to the point of tears.. i was so hurt by just everything and for once i actaully opened up to someone.. yet sadly i know i shouldn't of. I felt like he was just txting me back because he felt bad, like he was trying to be there but prob couldn't gave a fuck. which might not be true but these are the thoughs i always get. i told him stuff.. stuff i never tell anyone... like how i hate relationship how they freak me out and how i fall i love with the idea of a person and not actaully the person. i just hate myself now and felt so stupid for getting sooo upset. the only thing im glad about was i was able to make it look like it wasn't just him that was upseting me it was everything which in a way is true. i also hate myself for this.. for always telling things as they really are. io hate bullshit and think when your upset you should tell someone.. my only problem with this is there is never anyone that will listen to you. and i mean really listen without paying them to do so. its so good to vent to someone i just wish i did not vent all of this to Evan the one person that i really did not want him knowing how crazy i can get. sighhh