will not be catching the bouquet.

what i probably should talk about is my trip to Europe and back.. but for some reason when ever i start to type out all about my trip.. i end up having writers block. it was an amazing trip wish my only change would have been to have more people go with us. After coming home and talking all there was to say, it just isnt in me anymore to type out a whole report about it. my advise to you, is to go to Europe as well. Italy was beautiful and getting lost was the best part. if you want to do something do it, if you want something go for it. why wait. because in the end, what are you really waiting for.

back to life now.

(his name will not be said, only because of my own will not to put it in. because in the end it only hurts if i let it.)

the more i want him the more he pushes away. i hate in my mind that i still think about him. how great it would be if he just grabbed me in his arms. but what i can not figure out is why he has not yet. what is stopping him. he does not want a relationship. i have said im not looking for one. but maybe it is better. which in the end i know in my heart it will be. but for now all i want is him. his warm body next to mine between the sheets. but no. he instead makes me watch as he goes for someone else wrong for him. it makes me wonder then if he really knows how i feel.

but that is it. i must stop thinking about him. and i will. when he finally does come to me, i must turn my back. i have given him so many chances to have me. yet nothing. so now, no. he will ask me to go with him and i must say no, you had your chance. but sadly i think i will end up going with him. i hate myself for that. i can only hope it would be in a drunk state of mind. that way, in the next morning i will blame that and that will end that. it will be over and only i will remember half of it. sadly i know this will happen. not so romantic, but im not asking for a white knight. i just want that one night. it sounds bad of me to only want that one night with him, but to ask more would not be right. giving he is older and will never love me the way i love him. falling hurts especially when there no one theirs to catch you.