sickness makes the mind open

i feel sick. no really.. not in the figurative way of saying that.. i am sick. i head hurts and i can not stop coughing whatever it is that is in my lungs. but i find that when you are sick is the best way to find your true feelings about something. maybe because you have nothing to do but sit in your own grief and think. think about the future and where you'll be.. maybe that's why your bodies fail us. Maybe that's gods way of slowing ourselves down and making us think about our life's. Logically it makes scene.. when you are stress you are more easily to get sick. anyways i have though alot about my life this weekend. School for the most part. I got accepted to Cortland, and Oneoneta. Though Cortland is a good school i think i might go to Oneoneta, I like there program more and with Cortland i feel like i would be stuck becoming a teacher which i do not really want to do. It's funny how all of your decisions about life will change who you are, who you will become, and how you will die. You do not think about the small ones but i feel the smaller decisions are the ones that determine EVERYTHING. say you want a bagel that morning you go out get in your car and go and get one... waiting at the light you get hit be a car. if only now that same morning you were to wake and say hmm i want egg you would still believe. But we must not think about this because if we did we would live in fear.
love...
i have though about this as well in my sickin state of mind. Kevin is the only boy i really think about. I said before that i could not see myself falling in love with him.. but that was a lie. and true lie that i made myself say just to say it. Because the true is im so scraed im going to mess everything up.. like i always do. I have never had that feeling about everyone before. love? whatever this may be. Though i do not feel in for Kevin yet.. i know i one day will. YET evan... still is in my mind for some reason unknown to me. i hate him for that. why can i not be happy. why must i always think about this. i should be happy. I SHOULD GOD DAMN BE HAPPY. ...sadly im not. fucking evan, who i should not like at all.. i find myself thinking about sometimes... maybe it is just that fact that i can not be with him that kills me. i need to let him go. i need to make myself not like him. which lucky for me.. i have no problems doing. now its time for drugs and sleep!! good night!