pink elephants

he does not want me.
i do not understand why.
and i do not understand why i feel this way.
i tell myself not to cry.
yet tears fall anyways.

we both made clear that it was not a relationship. just friends who kiss and grab each other now and then. no, we haven't had sex yet. i say yet, because yes, we have talked about having sex, often.

i hate the fact that i was lead on. and i also the fact that i really just want sex. lastly the fact that i think i started to fall for him... and now happening again just like with Kevin... he did not want me either. I keep thinking this all happened, because of this other girl at my job who i found out did in fact sleep with Evan. three different times.... with Evan though it is weird. I wouldn't care if he slept with any other girl, just not that girl i work with. for reason in which i can explain. if he did in fact sleep with other people who i dont know.. i would never have to hear about it. but with this girl,... that is all she would talk about, and to anyone. i am human, and can not help if i get jealous.. but if i see them together i might just lose it.

but i know that that is not the only reason, and i will probably never find out the real answer.

i just hate the feeling like he picked her other me. was i not prettier, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not fast enough... i just want an answer. but to the question i have not got the strength to say out load to his face. pink elephants will now hover over each of our conversions. Just like before... just like with Kevin. my fear of Evan turning into Kevin did in fact come true. but maybe it is not them.. maybe it is me. maybe i was to blame.

every wednesday the same. go to class, then meet Evan for breakfast.
but not today,
not this wednesday.
his text, quote "i gotta skip lunch 2day miss im sorry..." end quote.
i text back, quote "Coolbeans! Thinking of going home anyways...ttul" end quote.
i want to kill myself for just texting that. i should have wrote him something anything better then that. but i know i cant. the fear of driving him away is too close. why cant i just say "i really want to talk to you... i think i m falling for you, and it scares me. i know you dont feel the same way but i would rather you know then me killing myself later on in life, telling myself i should have told you."

but you always think of the best things to say..., when it's to late.