enlightenment is the best medicine

things never work out like they do in your mind. you pick out a dress, lay it on the bed and think about what is about to happen that night. you smile at yourself in the mirror and think this is going to be an amazing night. you dont mind how in real life things are all over the place, and somehow no matter what happens..it is never right. but thats the real world. and this.. this here is your world. just for that moment in time as you look at yourself in THAT dress, no less then a few minutes a day, you are fearless. you can and will be able to do anything you want.. only in thought of course. you are your own god...because you control everything your mind thinks. this
is not in any form conceited. it is the you, you always wanted to be but could not. you are that moment in time that you were able to think of that witty come back right away and not hours later as you lay your head on your pillow. you are that speech you spoke out load to the empty walls, saying the things you should have said but could not think of the words at the time.. but that is not life. and life is not a movie. it can go on with or without you. you could die tomorrow and the world would not care. it turns as you stop.



back to life.
sleep is point less now. i close my eyes only to see the blackness of my eyelids... mintues latter turning and watching the black walls around my room slowly melt..as in a horor movie. i hear the howl of the old house noise no one else can hear. the rain. the trees. the world outside my window. it has been two weeks now. sleep hours gotten= maybe 4 a night. i dont know what has caused this. worry maybe..? school? unwill drama ready to be forseen? love? well love less anyways? i keep telling myself i am buying time going to suffolk...time to find out what i want to do with my life. but what is going to happen when that time is gone. will i know. will i have learned anything. college is a waste of time. righting essays that no one will read but you and the professor. getting graded not on the topic or how empacted your essay maybe.. but on the grammer and spell errrors you have made.
goal of the day: find out what it is you like to do.
update to be continued....


back to love.
i dont understand man. i hate this game we play.. yet it is nothing like a game. we set the rules, but you cheat (meaning: not in the actually form of the "relationship cheating"). we are talking old school board games here. someone who i work with said something to me that i cant keep out of my mind. quote.. well from what i can remember: " ...why would they want to hold anyone else but you. if they love you then trust should take over. thats when you know that you have found that perfect someone for you. they will love you and only you. they will hate you and only you. they will only hold your hand and only kiss you at night. there is not reason or any other thought because you have him, and he has you." it was so beautiful the way the words came out of her mouth. i almost wanted to cry. i never cry.... well at stupid things like this anyways. i want that... and maybe thats why it hit me so hard. but as i sit in yet another lonely night... it only hits harder.

the problem is...i dont have time for this.